Wednesday, December 18, 2013

1 Down 1 2 Go.

Hey Abyss,

The last Christmas Break of my educational career has started and it has come at the perfect time. I have  been looking forward to having this time to myself. I need this time to focus on how I want to move forward in the new year and become stronger. I feel like everyday is an opportunity for me to learn how  to become better and more wholesome as a person, and sequentially and actor. I want to move on from the things that hold me back and just leap into life. I have a tenancy to dwell on things that are in the past or are beyond my control, but in the last few weeks I have experienced a surge of freedom. This surge has helped me to have a more positive and carefree outlook on life and I am loving the feeling.

I had my term evaluation with Alisa Palmer on Friday and we talked about a lot of things. Both of the directors I worked with this term (Ravi Jain & Tadeusz Bradecki) had some critical things to point out in me. Although I was initially confused by what they had said about me as an actor, Alisa was able to translate it and help me to understand how I can move forward with their feedback in mind. We came to the conclusion that I am a performer, first and for most. There is a significant difference between a performer and an actor, it is the actor that I am struggling to find. I know that the combination of both performer and actor is ideal, and is what I want to achieve more than anything.

I have always known and been most alive and explorative WITH an audience. In the rehearsal process I tend to do one of two things: I bring it in the reading and throw out all of my offers so that after weeks of rehearsal things become bland and static. Or I limit myself by judging myself before I let the work happen. Both of these things are detrimental to the process. The only aspect that ends up saving me is that I come alive in front of an audience, which is the nature of a performer. This is my talent. But I am here to learn how to be an actor, my performance abilities have and always will be with me.

Alisa suggested to me that I work with myself to go deeper in the work, to really let it affect me to open myself up to the process and avoid judgement. All things I am aware of but not sure how to do. So, my challenge for next term is to focus on cracking myself open in the rehearsal room and building myself back up in time for performance. I know that in order for me to go deeper in the work and in myself I have to give up my judgement and perceived judgement of others. This is something I have been struggling with since first year. It psychs me out so much. I mess up lines and over analyze situations to the point where I become catatonic. Self doubt and frustration is my kryptonite. When I get to those points I creatively stop and there is nothing that will push me out of that state except for time and re-evaluation, and in a short rehearsal period I don't have those luxuries.

I know that I can sometimes come off as harsh and self deprecating but that is not my intention. These posts are for me to create a marker for myself, a period in time to be accountable to. If I have written how I can progress it makes me that much more motivated to change. The more diligent I can be with myself about progression the better I can become.

To go back to my point about actor vs performer and the combination of the two; I want to clarify that I have felt truly in the work as an actor many times at the school.  And during those moments I wasn't judging myself or self conscious, I was just living with the written text and the emotions in front of me. It was extremely liberating and cemented the idea that I have the ability to be as good an actor as I am a performer. In the coming months I just want to feel these moments more frequently and gain access on the regular to this compartment. I need regular practice, and I think this can relate to what I said a few posts back about Colm Feore; I need to constantly be working towards what I want. The lazier and closed off I am, the less of a change I will experience.

And there we have it: Logged.

Now to implement and move forward.

Happy Holidays!

Night, Abyss.

No comments: